I think one of the biggest things people know about me is that I’m very determined to succeed in life. I’m always hustling. If a door isn’t opening for me, I find another, build another, or bulldoze the damn door if I have to. Every time I fall, I get up and bounce back.

But what people don’t see a lot of the time is my depression and anxiety that goes with it. And that’s honestly really hard to talk about because who the fuck wants to hear some sad shit? And I get it. No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer. 

I had a friend tell me that she felt like I didn’t tell her deep things about me, so I told her how I imagined stabbing myself in the middle of the night, which is something I haven’t thought about since 7th grade. And she proceeded to ask me questions like: Why? Why did you imagine that? Why are you thinking that way? What is making you feel that way? But like why? Why? Why? Why? 

Like hun, trust me. I’m smart enough to figure out where the fucking root of my trauma is. I would never kill myself because a bitch got responsibilities and fucking goals she is trying to achieve. I’m just not the type to want to dive into a whole therapy session and hear how “It’s gonna be alright”. If my depression and anxiety are too much, I need distractions from not feeling the amount of bullshit I have been through and continue to go through. 

And it’s not her fault for asking so many damn questions. Majority of the people I know can’t handle discussing topics like that. We aren’t really educated on the right thing to say. And it’s ok. Depression and anxiety are not easy topics. 

I follow a lot of people who post memes or quotes about depression and anxiety, but yet don’t take what they post into consideration. I have a lot of people that have demanded my time and energy when I honestly just don’t have energy sometimes to walk to the kitchen for a cup of water. 

Some people are quick to agree that socializing can be draining, but fail to recognize that maybe hanging around them requires a lot more energy for a person. And the funny shit is that they can get offended by it. 

This past year has been a lot for me. I pretty much cut everyone out. Nothing personal against them, just been dealing with a lot of shit. And I’ll save talking about the bullshit I have been dealing with this year for another post. I just don’t feel like having convos with people about bullshit that they just don’t get. It’s redundant and tiring. I got my own shit going on that I’m still trying to figure out. I can literally only handle talking to one person, looking at memes, and dealing with my crazy ass kids in Sims. 

I don’t care how long it’s been. My bed is my charger and a bitch is recharging.