I guess I’ve been a little M.I.A from life. The past few months have been rough for me and if I’m being honest, just embarrassing. 

I got laid off a few months ago due to the merge of Viacom and CBS. I took that hard, but as always, I didn’t let that stop me from getting back in the hustle. I gathered all my contacts to start informational interviews, updated my resume, and started applying to jobs. 

However, as quarantine continued, my motivation diminished. 

Asleep all day and up all night binge watching nostalgic shows to escape the reality of the fact that I feel like a complete failure. 

I had a job at a company I loved and worked so hard to get and it’s gone. I know it wasn’t my fault and these things happen, but I could have done more. 

I should have gone back to school and taken advantage of tuition reimbursement.

I should have tried to connect more with people. 

I should have gone to the fucking gym like I was supposed to. 

I should have… I should have… I should have…

I sit in my bed thinking about all my regrets of what I could have done, and it gets me even more depressed. Most of the time I can’t even get up from bed. It’s like I’m under a train. 

I’m stuck. I’m scared. I feel pathetic. 

I’m embarrassed to start this whole process again. I’m 24 and nowhere near where I wanted to be, and I know what I’m supposed to be doing, but with COVID going on makes looking at whatever future I see for myself blurry.

What if I get a job and then get laid off again because of a 2nd wave? 

When is this damn 2nd wave going to happen? 

How long will this world be remote? 

When will things go back to normal? 

Is this really life now? 

So many questions flood my head every day weighing me down. That’s what sucks about having depression and anxiety during quarantine. I’m locked up all day battling the bad version of myself. 

I go through periods where I am motivated and grinding, and then that bitch just keeps coming back to attack me. My heart is so bruised with all her abuse, but…

I don’t give up. 

I can sit here and pretend to write a happy ending of how I overcome my depression and anxiety, but I have been dealing with it for the past decade. Maybe one day the negative thoughts in my head will stop, but for right now, what keeps me pushing is the fact that a girl has responsibilities! 

I know I didn’t suffer homelessness, kicked ass in school to land all these internships, and work in all these cool places to let the ‘Rona turn me into a sad little bum for the rest of my life. Me succeeding in life will be a fact! 

However, right now, I’m still on this depressive roller coaster loop with only short straight paths of tranquility before the next loop. 

Maybe this is why I hate roller coasters…